Now it strikes close to home.

When someone uses Christianity as an excuse to be hateful or intolerant, it merely lowers my impression of the religion but I don't lash out (unless seriously provoked). When they try to proselytize, I become wary of hearing about the religion, and simply ignore them.

But when the belief in a higher power stunts the future plans of someone close to me, it becomes pretty damn personal.

My brother has been on and off excited and sketchy about his future and who he wants to become. There are times when he talks about us sharing an apartment while he dishes out novels and poetry anthologies and I teach art.

But there are times when he feels he has no future different than what he is now. He's not suicidal, thank goddess, but very despondent. Nothing I haven't seen before occurring in my own life.

Here's the catch, though: He believes all of his misfortunes, all of the bad coincidences, all the opportunities missed due to forces beyond his control, are God's will. Because of this, he believes he shouldn't be defying the will of God by changing his life.

I'm sorry, but that is not good enough. I'm sure God, in all his attributed wisdom, would understand why someone would want to go against his will. Why would God, who is also attributed with omnibenevolence, befate one of his more ardent followers to a life of stasis? Because God works in mysterious ways? Because who are we to question his will? Oh I've heard it all before. Many times... too many in fact.

I'd at this moment like to reach out to those who have some sort of belief in a higher power and question them: Does your supreme being control your life completely? Are you complacent with their will? Are you so willing to let an abstract concept manifested into deity decide your future for you? Please... consider this.

I truly pains me to see this happen, to be the younger brother watching his older brother, an idol of his for as long he can remember, crumble into such a state of despair. It nearly makes me want to cry.

Response to some honest criticism

While reading over my brother's blog, I found his latest entry, which discusses intelligence.
I consider myself reasonably open-minded, so I'm gonna accept his grievance as constructive criticism: something only he and my stepdad give me. Everyone else tells me I'm a great person (when I know I'm not) and acts like I'm not who I am (which he points out below)

Take my brother for example. I think I have written about this subject before, but I will get into it again. He is an art major, but he also enjoys writing/literature and music. Yet he he tries to make himself out to be a master jack-of-all-trades because he can learn to play songs on the guitar by ear and has written a few good poems. I call myself a bard, that doesn't mean I think I can do everything... it just means I notice my skills tend to be creative instead of, say, scientific or social. He uses Strunk and White grammar even in colloquial conversation, trying to make himself out to be an intellectual Ok, so my speech happens to usually be gramattically sound with a bit of overkill sometimes... big deal. I don't do it on purpose, it's how I was brought up. I retained the grammar lessons from 1st grade and never abandoned them just because "school is evil" as a lot of kids say nowadays. And don't get me started on him using Latin either. So I know a bit of Latin and like using it, what's the issue? I don't do it to show off... can I help it if I'm a linguist of sorts?

He also has a very negative attitude about society. I would say he is a misanthrope. I would say I'm a misanthrope, too. I don't deny it. He mocks religion (other than the Paganism he follows) I don't mock religion, I mock people who use religion in ways they shouldn't... like to belittle other religions or hate certain types of people or to justify something wrong they've done. For example, I have a strong dislike of mission works because of its latent message: "Your religion is inferior, take our better one instead. Even if you are doing fine with your religion and you're happy, ours is better and you won't be happy without it. I am a self-important person who thinks he knows what's right for other cultures." I know Christianity generally teaches peace, love, and happiness. I have no problem with the religion itself. I don't care how the people attain their spiritual strength, be it from God or Cernunnos or simply from being one's self (allowing for secular/athiest philosophies). If it makes them happy and it doesn't negatively affect others, more power to them. It's the religious jackasses I don't like. (i.e. Pat Robertson & Jerry Falwell), government (even when we all know it has faults) Don't even get me started on authority. I question authority because I have a desire to know where the authority comes from. I don't object to all government and rules, just ones that are absurd and do more to restrict freedom than to prevent mishaps (like parks closing and people not allowed to enter. Since when did nature have or need a closing time?), and just people in general. Misanthropy. I know. I'm sure that these illusions of grandeur stem from that he never connected with society growing up, so he fell into his own little world where he is a super intelligent being and that is the reason why no one understands him. This is true. I'm misanthropic and feel aloof to the world because I was outcast a a time in my life when I was learning social relationships (and in the school environment I thus learned that social relationships are evil and cruel and should be avoided. I became a recluse and hated the world for it. I'm still recovering. To make up for his own shortcomings, he boasts his qualities and makes himself seem superior I don't boast them. They just happen. It's not like I specifically say "Ha. Look at me! I know Latin! ES STOLIDUS QUE SUM TOTUS SCIENTIÆ DOMINUS! Just look at my perfect grammar. Furthermore, I communicate eloquently with my non-vernacular speech method and extensive vocabulary (that's "big words" for you dumb people)" It just happens, it's who I am. If anyone is offended by my apparent pompousness, I apologize... but I don't mean to do it. You can't blame a drummer for always tapping and finding rhythms, just as you can't blame an educated artist (what, I'm not gonna say I'm stupid...) for using what he knows. I wouldn't be me if I tried to not use big words or not analyse/question everything that comes my way.



Oh, and that Latin earlier means "You're stupid and I'm the master of all knowledge!" if you're curious.

Results of personality tests

Your Existing Situation
Working to improve his image in the eyes of others in order to obtain their compliance and agreement with his needs and wishes.

Your Stress Sources
Unfulfilled hopes have led to uncertainty and apprehension. Needs to feel secure and to avoid any further disappointment, and fears being passed over or losing standings and prestige. Doubts that things will be any better in the future and this negative attitude leads him to make exaggerated demands and to refuse to make reasonable compromises

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity. Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left him listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.

Your Desired Objective
Suffering from the effects of those things which are being rejected as disagreeable, and is strongly resisting them. Just wants to be left in peace.

Your Actual Problem
Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals have led to anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt. His refusal to admit this leads to his adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude.

Comments:
-Doubts that things will be any better in the future
True indeed, in fact I think things will be worse in the future.

-In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.
You can ask my fiancee about this. If I need to be left alone without noise and distraction and someone breaks me from my zone-out or concentration, I get edgy and sarcastic or even bitter. I need my personal space, and that applies to my thoughts.

-Things being rejected as disagreeable, and is strongly resisting them. Just wants to be left in peace.
These things being my Paganism and my love of games. By resist, I mean that I resist the conversion tactics of those who want me to stop being Pagan or stop playing games "like a child".
-Disappointment and the fear that there is no point in formulating fresh goals
Every time I plan something, it goes wrong. Can I help it if I notice trends?

-Anxiety, emptiness, and an unadmitted self-contempt.
I'm very apprehensive towards the future, seeing as it doesn't exist and can change in an instant. This is why I live for the moment. As for emptiness, it's more of an empty vision of the future which often times, when filled, leads to the disappointment. And yes, I bash myself. It's quite admitted, I don't hide it. My brother knows I view myself in a negative light, and so does Meranda.

-Adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude
Indeed, I take the "fuck the world" stance many many times, often times when it's not called for. I have a "question authority" mindset, and when coupled with a "fuck it" attitude (laissez-faire if you want big words instead of vernacular) people tend to think I'm a anarcho-nihilist rebel. I'm just a hippy who wants peace and freedom from unecessary regulation. A clean (drugwise) hippy, but a hippy nonetheless.


And here's another:
Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Very High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mvURL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

I'm a failure.

This is not a sympathy plea nor a call for attention, I'm just being honest with myself for once. You can call me a chronic complainer all you want, I don't fucking care anymore.

The world revolves around money. Everything costs money, from eating decent food to being treated for illness. It goes to say then that if you want to do something beyond being conscious, you need money to do it. In order to make money, you have to be successful and responsible...
I am neither of these. I work a job that only pays $7.25 an hour, and I don't have a degree. Not having a degree means I don't have anything valuable to contribute to society that would be worth paying me for. That's an unadmirable quality in a person in society: not having a career, nor potential to have one.

I also play games, mainly video games and role-playing games, which is very unprofessional, shame on me. I'm too childish for society because of this strange liking of things which promote fun and pleasure instead of success. It's a waste of time trying to make one's self happy when it's much more important to try to be as a successful as possibile. I really need to ditch all my games and leisurely activites so I can focus more on how to turn myself into a better moneymaker.


I have three main fatal flaws that will be the end of me in the world of success, and they have M.A.P.ed out my future. I use the acronym because it stands for the three shortcomings: Misanthropy (hatred and/or distrust of humans, for those who don't know), Apathy (not caring), and Procrastination. I feel the way I do about people because of how they feel about me. They treat me like a criminal, an outcast, a rebel. Maybe I am. I'm a Pagan in a generally Christian society, which (according to my stepdad) means I should expect to be outcast. Well fuck them. Fuck the world, the world fucks everyone over anyway. You may be thinking "Well you said you're apathetic, why do you care what they think?" I'm not apathetic towards the people, I'm apathetic towards their expectations of me. I don't care enough about my level of success or my responsibility to sacrifice my personal happiness. If I'm not happy, where am I gonna get motivation to do anything? I find that I'm willing to do much more when I've experienced a happy moment. Being told I'm not good enough is not my idea of a happy moment, and it will only take me further into a state of depression.

(On that note, I might add that my self-esteem is low and my inclination toward depression is high. The last thing I need is people patronizing me and talking me down. I'd need motivation, not criticism.)

As for procrastination, that applies mainly to bills and homework. Though with homework, there's times I let apathy get the best of me. I was held back in 6th grade. Why? Because I didn't do a lot of homework. Sometimes I still don't. That's a blatant sign of irresponsibility, something that will earn you negative money (debts) in the world. It's something I've been struggling with almost my whole life, and nothing has been able to change my ways. No ultimati or incentives could reform me.

For anyone reading this who's thinking "Quit your bitching and shape up, you're just a lazy bastard who doesn't want to face the real world," 1) Fuck you, and 2) I've been like this for 12 fucking years and it's not getting much better. If it was as easy as "shaping up" and trying to be responsible, the problems would've ended 12 years ago and I wouldn't have had to repeat 6th grade. But it's not as easy as just changing yourself. I don't get why people make changing your entire personality and mannerisms and possibly subconscious, genetic, and/or permanent psychological disorders out to be as easy as changing a light bulb. IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY, PEOPLE, SO STOP TELLING ME TO CHANGE AND EXPECT RESULTS.

Fuck this, I better shut up now before I get to contemplating my life and its future (whether it will have one)

PAGANS ARE NOT FUCKING ANTISOCIAL MISANTHROPES

Leave it to the genius of my stepdad to once again make me feel like a miserable person.

He pulled me aside today to remind me of a few things:

1) I owe him a few month's worth of car payments.
I know this, I just haven't had the money to pay him for a while. I have nothing against paying him.

2) I need to submit my FAFSA so I can keep getting financial aid.
Again, I know. I have nothing against doing this.

3) I still need to do taxes (I don't owe money yet, so they aren't gonna come after me).
Nothing against doing this either.

4) My "Pagan thing" is pulling me into a state of apathy, misanthropy, procrastination, and general bad habits, and people "in the society of this day and age" look upon Pagans with disdain so I need to get out of it.

WHAT??!!

I don't care if he says he's agnostic... he must have some sort of Christian ignorance-based-intolerance going on inside him, because that's something I only hear the more close-minded of Christians say. (No offense meant to the Christians in my life, I'm referring to ones who approach me or address me in chat.)

He didn't take into account that I've been an irresponsible shit for years now, before he was even in my life and that the "Pagan stuff" only recently emerged reflecting a recent interest in it. Or more simply, I WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE I BECAME A PAGAN.

I don't care if he calls me irresponsible, I know I am. I don't care if he points out my fatal flaws of procrastination, misanthropy, and apathy. I know what kind of person I am, he doesn't need to remind me. But he has no right to blame my generally negative lifestyle on my peaceful, stress-relieving, earth-loving religion.

"You know what people think of Pagans, right?" He asks me. "Yeah, Satanists," I tell him even though in my head I'm telling him "Um... no? I have no fucking clue what people think of the path I've chosen. I'm completely ignorant to the world around me." Is it that hard to fathom that I don't give a flying fuck what people think about me? I know (ignorant) people associate Pagans with Satanism and Animal Sacrifice. That hasn't stopped me from being a Pagan, now has it? If I cared what people thought about me, I'd probably be a proper Average Joe American with nothing deviated about him (out of fear of being ridiculed for wearing the wrong color shirt). But that's not who I am. I'm stronger than that.

And one last thing, he also said "that thing you and Meranda are getting into" before bringing up Paganism. He really knows how to touch on my fucking sensitive spots, doesn't he? Meranda has nothing to do with my Paganism, and I'm not bringing her into it either... so leave my fucking love life out of this.... ugh. He pisses me off too much.

I don't care whether he's joking or not

I know Friday was just the 22nd anniversary of my birth so I can't expect kingly treatmemt, but the least my stepdad could've done was given me the gift of not being insensitive and ungrateful for once in his superiority-driven life. He gave me 4 pieces of intolerance.

#1: It started when he finally came down from doing office work (big surprise for someone like him *rolls eyes*) and noticed the gifts I got: A book on drawing, a magic eye 3d stereogram book, a book on Ireland, a 50-cd organizer thing, City of Angels, The Matrix: Revolutions, and two games for the Nintendo DS. The only thing that caught his attention was the two games. He said to the rest of the family (and luckily they didn't notice or didn't respond) "You're still doing this for him? You still get things like this for him? You've gotta break him of this habit" He was acting like playing video games means being a kid.

I don't see what his problem is. He has fun building stuff with wood, landscaping, and other getting-his-hands-dirty things. That's his leisure. My leisure includes drawing, reading and writing stories and poetry, playing guitar, and playing video games. Why should one thing I do for fun be considered a sign that I have to grow up? He acts like I play video games because I don't want to grow up and enter the real world... even though I'm 22 and have entered the real world, or else I wouldn't have a car, job, and be in college, while trying to pay bills. My point is, what I do in my free time reflects what I enjoy doing.

#2: Then after I go upstairs he looks in my room that, before my brother arrived and before I started putting together the 50-cd case, was spotless because I had cleaned it the night before. But no, he comes in and judges my room when it's in a state of temporary mess. Key word: temporary. He said something along the lines of "Your room is always a mess, I'm tired of telling you. How do you live like this?"

I wanted to say "Oh, I just love sulking in mess because I'm such a pig" Fucking ungrateful... he always judges my room when it's at its messiest, no wonder he thinks I'm a fucking slob. I do clean my room or else it would be 10 times worse than it's ever been. He didn't fucking believe when I told him I cleaned it, either. What's the point of cleaning my room if when it gets messy again for any reason he'll just think I'm trying to kiss up to him?

#3: Then this morning we were talking about sharing birthdays with people, and my mom said I shared my birthday with Queen Elizabeth (which I already knew) and I said I shared my birthday with Rome. My stepdad said "What, do you share your birthday with some ancient druid king or something? Is that why you believe in all that druid crap?" He called my beliefs CRAP. Fucking asshole. I don't care if his word for "stuff" is "crap", you don't talk so apathetically and condescendingly about someone's beliefs like that, especially to their face.

#4: He goes into the living room and sits down. He's showing me this birdhouse he made, and talks about having the artistic liscence to do what he wanted to the original plans. He noticed I was standing there and got into a "thinker" position, and pretended to stare off into the distance, and said "Look, I'm an ar-TISTE". This one wasn't as offensive as the other ones, but he really needs to drop it. I'm against the typical subjective photographs where everyone looks at the camera and they're in the center of the photo. So whenever a picture was taken of me in Europe, I would admire the scenery or (genuinely) reflect on the awesomeness of being there. But being the subjective traditional people-photographer he is, he objected to all my requests to not be in the center of the photo. And then every time I took a photo, I tried to make a composition out of it... you know, artistic nature. But he just laughed it all off as wasting time when I could just take a photo and be done with it. The one thing I said to myself that he had left to mock (after he did #3) he ended up mocking not minutes later: my artistic background. Ugh.

So my point is that even if he's joking about my lifestyle, he jokes about it in a way that makes it feel like he's actually indifferent towards who I am. I take offense to his belittling of my personality.

She's a dog, chill.

I'm ranting on behalf of my dog, Nipper. My stepdad is most definitely a control freak. If something's not going his way, he lets the world know. Even if the thing that's not going his way doesn't do it on purpose.

More specifically, he likes to yell at the top of his lungs, "NO!!!!!" at Nipper for so as sitting in a position near the table that he doesn't approve of. He'll also do this when they're on the computer succumbing to their annoying Pogo addiction (I'm always hearing buzzers and bells, even with my door closed) and Nipper is at the door or near them sitting. Then she'll growl at them trying to tell them she wants something. He'll act like she's going out of her way to annoy them. "This has got to stop," he says. As if he can do what he does with me and sit down with Nipper and have this long drawn-out conversation about why she shouldn't be defying his authority. "Go downstairs! Quiet! Stop! Knock it off! NO!!!!" he yells at her as if she understands jack shit of what he's saying. He's actually more annoying to me than Nipper is to him.

Something else he does really makes me wonder about him. He bought himself an air gun so that he could shoot at squirrels that come into our yard and ruin his precious landscaping (also known as burying nuts, a natural instinct, but how can you expect someone who thinks a dog knows what "knock it off" means and clears out trees and plants to put them back in how HE wants to know anything about nature?)

My point is, they're animals. He needs to stop acting like they're smarter than they actually are and have some conspiracy going on where they go out of their way to annoy him. A dog barks and growls by instinct because *gasp* IT CAN'T TALK. Squirrels bury nuts in your yard because *gasp* they were there first, but humans have a superiority complex and think animals don't belong anywhere that humans go. Unless they're dogs or cats. In which case, the pet is actually a family member capable of understanding English. Yes, we treat Nipper like a family member when it comes to acknowledging and loving her, but you can't escape the fact that she's just a dog.

A new addiction

I belong to a forum that was created for the game Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but it has other topics where you can just rant and debate like crazy (which is the reason I still check it) In someone's signature, I saw a 350x20 image that had the Eagles logo on one side, "Philadelphia Eagles Fan" on the other in a micro font, and it had stripes and a half-elliptical light area. I wondered what it was. Then I finally found out: UserBars. There's a website chock full of 'em here: http://www.userbars.org

Here's a link to the ones I've made: http://www.userbars.org/search.htm?search_user=Artifex

Quick note: The Livestrong, John Sykes, Whitesnake, Beck's, and Dale Jr. bars were by request. Not to say I don't support the Livestrong movement or like Whitesnake, but I don't drink Beck's and I can't stand Jr.

Wishing for acceptance

This is actually an old issue from this past Christmas.

By the one or two references I've made in previous posts and some of the links in my "other" section, and especially if you know me well enough, it's probably apparent that I'm a Pagan. I can tell that my mom, however, doesn't quite approve of it. I don't have anything against her disapproval, it is after all her opinion. I just don't like how she keeps it from me.

There was one time when the topic came up and she said "You don't believe in Jesus? But we're a Christian family! How can you celebrate Christmas with us?" but left it at that. Great. I'm being treated like a rebellious family-seperatist I thought. I hoped with all my heart that nothing controversial would happen on Christmas. Luckily, the closest anyone came to questioning my beliefs was my Aunt asked me if the pentagram pendant I was wearing was a Celtic symbol.

The other time it came up was when we were making holiday cookies.

[off-topic]
Yes, I called it "holiday". I don't know why so many Christians get so uptight when the time between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day is called the holidays. It's not like it's one specific day. If I or another person wishes "happy holidays" to someone and they retort with "No, it's Christmas Come on, people" (actual quote from someone in my family) I'd take that as an insult to my sincerity. "Fine, may your holidays be unhappy, you ungrateful antisecularist" is what comes to mind when I want to respond. If they don't want me to wish them happiness for the rest of the year and instead want only one holiday to be acknowledged, then Blessed Yule to them all. Ugh.

[back on topic]
Anyway, I made a circle-shaped cookie and drew a pentagram on it. My mom didn't see, but my stepdad did when they came out of the oven. "Oh, you... drew a pentagram on here," he said in a "you ruined the cookie" tone of voice, "are you Pagan?" When I told him I was, his tone changed to a more interested one. "Ah. Have you done any rituals yet?" I told him no (a lie, I've done 5; one for every solstice and equinox in 2005, plus Lughnasadh.) My mom started huffing like she does when she's upset. My stepdad thought it was because she felt rushed to get the cookies done, but I think I know why she was upset. She didn't approve of my Paganism. Later that day, I could hear her bawling her eyes out in the shower. It was heart-wrenching. To think that being myself made my mom cry. I hope to all the powers out there that she was just frazzled because of the rush to get cookies done. I couldn't live knowing that I was the cause of her desperate crying.

All I ask is that she open her thoughts up to me. Tell me what she truly thinks about my religious choice. I'd come to her myself, but I don't want her to think I'm seeing if I'm rebellious enough. I don't care if she doesn't like my choice one bit, that's her opinion. I just need her to be open and honest with me.

The great Move-Out is imminent

I'll be blunt. My stepdad is an asshole when it comes to showing me why I should or shouldn't do certain things. I've only left the TV on maybe once or twice overnight by accident (I forget to set the timer) and he goes ballistic on me telling me if it happens again, he'll make me pay part (maybe all, he didn't say) of the electricity bill. What the FUCK? Oh I'm so sorry, Mr. Doesn't-Like-Absent-Minded-People. I won't accidentally leave the TV on again.

But that's not what made me write this entry. My stepdad has a history of entering my room when I'm not there. I mean, I guess I can understand since it's his house and so every room is essentially his... but come on. What if I have a surprise for him too big for my closet? He'd walk in and BOOM! Surprise ruined. What took the cake is that tonight he pulled me aside and asked me "what my problem is." Now I know I do tend to let my room get a little messy. But it's not like I have dirty clothes everywhere and you can't find anything. Compared to some rooms I've seen, the messiest my room has gotten is pretty damn clean. So anyway, I wanted badly to retort with "Actually, that's your problem. I don't care about the condition of my room as long as I can find stuff and move around in it without stepping on stuff" But I know him well and he'd make my life worse somehow. He made me an ultimatum this time: If he walks into my room again and finds it messy, he'll start throwing my stuff out. THROWING MY FUCKING PROPERTY IN THE FUCKING TRASH.

Well I believe it's now time to spite him and show him that I'm not just a complacent absent-minded irresponsible little shit who got engaged and "will probably expect Meranda to clean up after me." Bollocks. I'm gonna pack all my stuff into a Public Storage place. I might even tell him "Is that clean enough for you? Look, you can even see the floor! And look, the closet's clean too!" Besides, there's no way in hell I'm gonna let him touch any of my possessions. Something that appears to be garbage to him might mean something to me (like the pine-needle ring Meranda gave me or my acorn collection) Hell, he might not even prioritize. He might throw away anything. Like any of my books, Pagan tools, or *cringe* art stuff. But I swear, if I, as an absent-minded (more like apathetic) person who has come to understand that who gives a flying fuck if my room is messy, fail to remember to keep my room spotless, that asshole better not touch a thing that relates to Meranda. If he does, I am gone. No questions asked. I can get new Pagan stuff, I can buy new books and art supplies, but you can not replace loving memories. He has earned himself a place on my mental trophy shelf of "Worst Assholes In My Life"


P.S. Anyone who can afford to buy a BMW has no right to bitch about the cost of anything, namely electricity bills.