I'm a failure.

This is not a sympathy plea nor a call for attention, I'm just being honest with myself for once. You can call me a chronic complainer all you want, I don't fucking care anymore.

The world revolves around money. Everything costs money, from eating decent food to being treated for illness. It goes to say then that if you want to do something beyond being conscious, you need money to do it. In order to make money, you have to be successful and responsible...
I am neither of these. I work a job that only pays $7.25 an hour, and I don't have a degree. Not having a degree means I don't have anything valuable to contribute to society that would be worth paying me for. That's an unadmirable quality in a person in society: not having a career, nor potential to have one.

I also play games, mainly video games and role-playing games, which is very unprofessional, shame on me. I'm too childish for society because of this strange liking of things which promote fun and pleasure instead of success. It's a waste of time trying to make one's self happy when it's much more important to try to be as a successful as possibile. I really need to ditch all my games and leisurely activites so I can focus more on how to turn myself into a better moneymaker.


I have three main fatal flaws that will be the end of me in the world of success, and they have M.A.P.ed out my future. I use the acronym because it stands for the three shortcomings: Misanthropy (hatred and/or distrust of humans, for those who don't know), Apathy (not caring), and Procrastination. I feel the way I do about people because of how they feel about me. They treat me like a criminal, an outcast, a rebel. Maybe I am. I'm a Pagan in a generally Christian society, which (according to my stepdad) means I should expect to be outcast. Well fuck them. Fuck the world, the world fucks everyone over anyway. You may be thinking "Well you said you're apathetic, why do you care what they think?" I'm not apathetic towards the people, I'm apathetic towards their expectations of me. I don't care enough about my level of success or my responsibility to sacrifice my personal happiness. If I'm not happy, where am I gonna get motivation to do anything? I find that I'm willing to do much more when I've experienced a happy moment. Being told I'm not good enough is not my idea of a happy moment, and it will only take me further into a state of depression.

(On that note, I might add that my self-esteem is low and my inclination toward depression is high. The last thing I need is people patronizing me and talking me down. I'd need motivation, not criticism.)

As for procrastination, that applies mainly to bills and homework. Though with homework, there's times I let apathy get the best of me. I was held back in 6th grade. Why? Because I didn't do a lot of homework. Sometimes I still don't. That's a blatant sign of irresponsibility, something that will earn you negative money (debts) in the world. It's something I've been struggling with almost my whole life, and nothing has been able to change my ways. No ultimati or incentives could reform me.

For anyone reading this who's thinking "Quit your bitching and shape up, you're just a lazy bastard who doesn't want to face the real world," 1) Fuck you, and 2) I've been like this for 12 fucking years and it's not getting much better. If it was as easy as "shaping up" and trying to be responsible, the problems would've ended 12 years ago and I wouldn't have had to repeat 6th grade. But it's not as easy as just changing yourself. I don't get why people make changing your entire personality and mannerisms and possibly subconscious, genetic, and/or permanent psychological disorders out to be as easy as changing a light bulb. IT'S NOT THAT FUCKING EASY, PEOPLE, SO STOP TELLING ME TO CHANGE AND EXPECT RESULTS.

Fuck this, I better shut up now before I get to contemplating my life and its future (whether it will have one)

PAGANS ARE NOT FUCKING ANTISOCIAL MISANTHROPES

Leave it to the genius of my stepdad to once again make me feel like a miserable person.

He pulled me aside today to remind me of a few things:

1) I owe him a few month's worth of car payments.
I know this, I just haven't had the money to pay him for a while. I have nothing against paying him.

2) I need to submit my FAFSA so I can keep getting financial aid.
Again, I know. I have nothing against doing this.

3) I still need to do taxes (I don't owe money yet, so they aren't gonna come after me).
Nothing against doing this either.

4) My "Pagan thing" is pulling me into a state of apathy, misanthropy, procrastination, and general bad habits, and people "in the society of this day and age" look upon Pagans with disdain so I need to get out of it.

WHAT??!!

I don't care if he says he's agnostic... he must have some sort of Christian ignorance-based-intolerance going on inside him, because that's something I only hear the more close-minded of Christians say. (No offense meant to the Christians in my life, I'm referring to ones who approach me or address me in chat.)

He didn't take into account that I've been an irresponsible shit for years now, before he was even in my life and that the "Pagan stuff" only recently emerged reflecting a recent interest in it. Or more simply, I WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE I BECAME A PAGAN.

I don't care if he calls me irresponsible, I know I am. I don't care if he points out my fatal flaws of procrastination, misanthropy, and apathy. I know what kind of person I am, he doesn't need to remind me. But he has no right to blame my generally negative lifestyle on my peaceful, stress-relieving, earth-loving religion.

"You know what people think of Pagans, right?" He asks me. "Yeah, Satanists," I tell him even though in my head I'm telling him "Um... no? I have no fucking clue what people think of the path I've chosen. I'm completely ignorant to the world around me." Is it that hard to fathom that I don't give a flying fuck what people think about me? I know (ignorant) people associate Pagans with Satanism and Animal Sacrifice. That hasn't stopped me from being a Pagan, now has it? If I cared what people thought about me, I'd probably be a proper Average Joe American with nothing deviated about him (out of fear of being ridiculed for wearing the wrong color shirt). But that's not who I am. I'm stronger than that.

And one last thing, he also said "that thing you and Meranda are getting into" before bringing up Paganism. He really knows how to touch on my fucking sensitive spots, doesn't he? Meranda has nothing to do with my Paganism, and I'm not bringing her into it either... so leave my fucking love life out of this.... ugh. He pisses me off too much.